just a thought

in retrospect. i hope.

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 07:59:51 GMT

If we could just say what we really want to say, would things really be easier, better?

Is it enough, would it ever be enough to make us happy?

But we really wouldn't know until we try.

I did.

Am I happy? I don't know.

I'll give myself time. I do believe that we appreciate things better in retrospect.

quarterlife chova

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 03:49:26 GMT

eto na ata ang rurok ng quarterlife crisis/drama/chova ko. or it's just plain immaturity and impatience. i really don't know.

for the first time, ayoko na muna dito sa baguio. gusto ko nang umuwi ng manila.

it's even more frustrating to hear their reactions to my problems. i hope i know the answers too. i hope i can just set aside practicality and explore other opportunities. opportunities i still have to find. opportunities i have to create, if it's even possible.

mt. pulag could have been the escape i needed. but no, it's too much of a sin to disobey my parents. im 23 years old. naman.

i'm just glad i have my kuya. i can rant to him and sleep in his bed. he listens to me.

but still, i refuse to be stuck. i will figure it out. i trust Him.

a minute or two

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 04:05:23 GMT

Those were happy days, those were great times.

I've been trying to do this since that night we talked.

The first time included a lot of crying, a lot of backslides.

We talked about it eventually. It was a good talk. It felt great to know just how much we've grown, how easy it was for us to talk about what happened.

Again, I felt more alive. I realized just how much I cared for you, just how important you are to me. Just how important it was for me that you were okay; that you knew, or somehow felt, how much I was willing to fall all over again.

Then things happened. We both got busy. I had more time for myself. I wake up not thinking about you anymore. I felt free.

Then there was that day I dreaded, I was scared to realize just how much I missed you. I was scared of backsliding.

Well, I did backslide. I missed that stare, that smile, that laugh. I missed how I am when I'm with you.

Surprisingly I was able to handle it well. I shed a few tears that night. But that was it, just a few tears.

I thought it will be harder the next day, but it wasn't. You were still consistent. But this time around I'm more aware that that's just it. You will always be consistent because you value our friendship, because that's who you are. And that's all that I have to reciprocate.

It's a lot easier now, you only take a minute or two of my day.

bellini's and wine

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 01:12:00 GMT

Bellini�s and wine. =)

So much nicer when you�re married and older. And you just want to go out and have some alone quality time.

That place would be perfect, with that great blind man singing. =)

what's next?

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 09:13:34 GMT

Tomorrow's next.

Go ahead.

It's written in most of the books I read before sleeping. It's not as easy as I thought it would be - leaving it all up to Him.

I remember this line from Paulo Coelho's Warrior of the Light � about how sometimes we go through the same thing over and over again, it's because we haven't learned what we're supposed to learn. I believe this is what I have to learn. It's not easy being human, I mean letting go of that control in my life. But I believe this is what He wants me to do now. Pahinga muna daw.

Again, tomorrow's next.

I'm in a good place right now. Deciding to move to another company was His way of preparing me for this.

Thank you, Lord.

When there is no turning back, then we should concern ourselves only with the best way of going forward.

pacing

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 08:54:05 GMT

I'm really having a hard time processing things. But I won't fight it. I want to feel everything.

This is the end for my law school dream. I already have my answer. I think�� no, I have to accept that it's just not meant for me. Which is really hard. I did take it twice.

He has a better plan for me.

I will find something else. I just don't want to think about it yet.

I'm just really scared to put myself out there again.

And then get disappointed again.

Relax. Ang bitter ko.

I'll get tired of this phase eventually. I'll be back soon enough.

not yet.

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 08:49:28 GMT

I really don�t know what to say or even feel.

I just wish that it�s already 5:30pm.

If you ask me now, I think I�d rather be in denial.

To keep on refusing, blocking the reality that I didn�t get in. Again.

Okay, I�ll stop now. I really don�t want to acknowledge it yet. I don�t want to think about anything yet.

Not yet.

2008

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 10:15:45 GMT

It's been over a year since my 2008 officially started.

It started with not getting into law school. It was the very first time I didn't allow anyone to talk to me, not even my closest friends. It was also the day I learned that I was not the "depressed" type of person. After going straight home from work, crying my heart and eyes out for more than an hour, I got hungry. I had dinner with my cousin. Mcdo cheeseburger meal, large fries and large coke light. I didn't cry that night, surprisingly. Good (greasy) food and good company can get you through an awful day.

And received a wonderful comment from a stranger (well, at least that's what I think):

i might have an idea of what you're feeling. i do hope that you pursue what you really want to do in life. most people who fail at the beginning become the best of what they want to be, only if they don't let one, two, or no matter how many failures would follow, stop them. pray diligently to God, I know He will lead you. Trust Him for guidance. And when we pray, lets not forget to just ask Him, but also to listen to HIM. God bless u. I know He has a plan for you. Keep seeking.

And then my pc crashed, my mp3 player just decided to not function anymore, and I lost my hard-earned, saved-up cellphone.

There was also that day I almost drowned, along with 10 other friends. It was the scariest, and at one point the most peaceful moment in my 22-years of existence. It was also the day I realized that I gave too much importance and attention to the material things I lost. I didn't value enough those that really matter.

And then good things, great things, and experiences happened to me after.

I had my first airplane ride, an out-of-Luzon, out-of-the-country trip. I went to Bangkok with minimal cash-out. It was an amazing experience. I was fascinated by their history and culture. Ayutthaya is Love.

I remember getting so scared after stepping out of the airplane. I panicked after realizing that my parents were so far away from me. An hour later, and after realizing that I was in another country, I knew I was going to enjoy the trip.

More than anything else, I discovered my love for photography. I knew I was going to buy Sundays after that trip. So I guess losing my cellphone was a blessing in disguise.

Of course going back here was a little bit hard. Well going back to MIB, that is. :p

I don't want to elaborate anymore on the details of what I went through in MIB. The nightmares, the crying in front of my boss for the first time, the weekday and weekend OTs.

Before going into that, siyempre ang TSG and football. The wonderful people I met, the shared experiences, and the love for the game, our game.

After getting tired of ranting, I finally realized that I can do something about my situation. All I had to do was to listen to my heart, write it down, and do the first step. There were surprises and bumps along the way, but everything turned out fine. And as the days go by, I realize that I made the right choice.

I learned that open communication is very important. And that it wouldn't hurt to ask your parents for advice, to include them in your decision-making.

I also learned that sometimes we waste our time classifying, labeling� and then we get scared. We miss out on opportunities, even the small ones, to be happy with the people we love.

I also realized that it's still possible. It's not easy. But you can still choose to be happy. And that sometimes it's the person that matters, not the expectations, nor the disappointments.

I don't know how to end this entry. I guess the most important thing I've learned in 2008 was to listen to my heart.

And I cut my hair short pala last year. haha It felt good.

my hallmark moment

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 00:59:20 GMT

'one thing I've learned, sometimes we waste our time classifying, labeling� and then we get scared, we miss out on opportunities, even the small ones, to be happy with the people we love. which for me are the more important things in life.'

it was never just an out-of-gratitude feeling. it was what it was.

but yes, you're right. we're both happy now. thank you. and I'm happy you're happy, too.

Ayala Boy

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 02:32:20 GMT

I call him that � Ayala Boy.

Imagine Dora/Diego, around 4 to 5 years old with a backpack and a cap, walking along Ayala alone. Nah, he walks with his father who collects empty plastic bottles in Ayala. But you would normally see him walking way ahead or behind his father.

He walks with this carefree feeling. Smiling. At ease.

He inspires me, he inspires us to take things easily and smile. J

*makunan nga ng picture next time.